I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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