did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
