My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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