Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
