my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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