I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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