Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
