It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
