My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
