i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
