he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
