dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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