i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
