she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
