dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
