you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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