As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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