Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
