I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Randomize
