You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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