you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize