i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
