i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
