i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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