so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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