I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
