If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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