What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
