I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
