I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
