I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dick very happy bro
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
