eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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