omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
