Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
