Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
