My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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