Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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