The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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