Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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