Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
