True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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