You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
