either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I smell stomach acid.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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