Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
tell your sister to shave her snatch
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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