I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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