Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
