saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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