1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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