I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
