im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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