I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
